Committed.

I heard it for the first time not from books that i read. Not from the dictionary and neither from the TV. But from a lecturer, My English  matriculation lecturer. we were struggling doing our mock English oral examination for MUET. It was the most dreadful University English Test ever to most Malay speaking Malaysians because this test involves actual speaking/discussing to one another. There were 4 of us in a group and Miss Norimah was observing us for the entire 10 minutes. topics were given at the start of the test and we all must talk about the given topics in that 10 minutes time. missing a topic means a severe deduction in points.

I figured, to maximize the group points, someone will need to steer the discussion to a certain direction so that all topics are covered. And I naturally took the lead after seeing for the first 1 minute that my 3 other group members were having difficulty to organize what to talk. the discussion went ok, I think. not marvellous, just OK. but Miss Norimah also told me that I was very committed. A blah word at that time because I really didn’t know what it means in relation to the ten-minute-group-discussion that we just had.

Looking at my confusion, she explained. “I said, you were very committed at controlling the group so that everyone gets their chance to talk and get a point,”  

I looked at her, feeling more confused. “But Miss, of course I’d do that, if not we’d lose points.”

She smiled and explained again, “Well, most people are for themselves. they’d just talk uninterruptedly for ten minutes and steal all the points, leaving the others scoring a zero. Well done! You can go back to your place.”

Committed.

i heard it so many times after that. probably a very common description people said about me.

I am never a funny person, never the person people would ask to go out having a laugh with, never the person you see as the heart of the party. I am just committed…

So, no matter how hard it will be, facing the person that broke my heart on weekly basis, I will be committed to my PhD support group from now on. Especially after looking at Suhaili and Kak Faizah cried last Friday (it was probably the first time I saw them cry, ever!). Pity them, no doubt personal problems are creeping into their professional lives too. they must hate it when that happened, as do I.

I feel sorry for them. I was selfish. but now I am… committed. =)