Sometimes, the right (best) thing to do is to let go.

I have been engaging my self with bucket loads of thinking lately. With a lot of thinking comes very little literature reading and writing and that really annoy me. nothing annoys me more than a personal problem that creeps itself into my professional life. Utterly unacceptable. But, I am only human. sometimes, my less than perfect human brain could only handle one world problem at a time.

I love my PhD support group because it helps to keep me on track with my PhD, being with fellow Muslim Malaysian keeps me more grounded, and just the idea of regular meetings with friends makes the week feels more bearable. Not that my every week as a PhD student had been awful, everyday is awesome in room 2.3.6, but it gets “awesomer” if there is a PhD support group at the end of each week. It is difficult to understand why I like such meetings so much, but I do..I really do.

Loving it does not make it any easier. not one bit. (swallowed some sadness…) But after careful thinking, for our own benefits (or perhaps just mine… ), I made the decision to withdraw from the group. Although it is not possible to expect a reaction (I thank MJ for this lovely quote), I kind of already knew how I would react to being in the same group with this person who shattered my heart to pieces. I don’t hate her, I am obviously not angry at her. I am just E x t r e m e l y (with a capital “E”) disappointed. Upon mentioning her name, I feel like crying. So how functional will I be, really in a PhD support group if me, the “leader” wants to cry all the time? 

No one could imagine how devastating it is for me. but then, you can argue that Intan is just too carried away with her emotions. But have you seen me cry? no one has. Have you seen me talking about it to everyone all the time? hardly. But I should tell you dear unexisting readers, that I have cried so many many times over this.

In ANHB bathroom, check.

In my bathroom, check.

In the animal house, check.

In ANHB memorial garden, check.

and not to forget, silently in my heart all the time, check.

now, check.

Crying obviously does not make anything any better. but in my defence it helps me to make an informed choice. the choices are, (one) whether I could be the bigger person, to forgive and forget and to move on with my life, pretending as though nothing ever happened.. or (two) mend my heartbreak, by minimizing contact, increase focus on my research and channel my constant desire to do good to someone else. Someone who would not break my heart. or have less possibility to do so, like the orphans in Somalia, or hungry people of Cambodia etc, etc.

I don’t discuss my feelings to people. because mom said, “Who would like to hear stories about your petty feelings?” She was right. She always is. (suddenly another warm tears bud at the corner of my lateral canthuses). I always believe that by crying you take some of the emotional burden off. but it doesn’t seem to happen for me yet. May be that’s why choosing option two is the right (best) thing to do.

May Allah give me strength to go through all these.

I try to be a good person, but may be I am just not good enough.

I try to be a strong person, but this time I am just not strong enough.

till then,

ANA