Pregnancy scare

I have always imagined myself as a student. Sitting at a desk either doing some written work or reading some articles.. Exactly something like what I'm doing right now. It is as much as seeing myself as a wife. Always belong to someone else. I'm never a free woman but I like it that way.

With marriage comes responsibility or so they said.. I'm not afraid of responsibilities, as a student or as a wife or as the person that I ought to be ( in my case, a Muslim lady in this foreign land) but boy I'm chickened out to be a mommy.

YES. I'm scared of being a mom, and just about anything to do with creating a kid. And it is painful as that is the natural outcome people around me are expecting from a marriage.

It made no sense. I'm not a teenager having a pregnancy scare after a drunken night out with her boyfriend.. Anything I do that might lead to pregnancy will be completely legitimate.. But I don't wanna be pregnant yet. Not now. Not when I was doing my housemanship, not when I was doing my masters and not now while I'm doing my phd. So when is the best time? I honestly don't know.

My dear father had been pestering me about getting him a grandchild since the day I was officially belonged to my husband... And I had been avoiding the subject with all of my medical and science and general knowledge combined. He now had given up the hope of trying to ever change my mind about having a child. And that really ease the tense.. At least a little bit.

What am I so scared of?
I seriously don't know for sure. The few things that I do know are:

A) I'm scared of the
pregnancy itself.
i) The fact that people lose their lives for the birth of another.
ii) the arrays of medical conditions associated with being pregnant.. And being a doctor actually made the fear even worse.
iii) I have an aunty who suffered from eclampsia after giving birth to her youngest daughter. Now, despite complete recovery she has to make do with an eyesight of a blind woman. No spectacle can correct her vision. And though most people would say that it will be the best sacrifice, as she now has in her arm the most adorable little girl, my lack of maternal instinct just couldn't comprehend how such sacrifice is justifiable to her.. She will never ever be able to see the perfect features of the new baby for as long as she shall lives.

Even so, I know these are not solid reasons to avoid being a mother. if God says that you are gonna be blind, you will be.. You don't have to be pregnant for that. So why the heck that I'm still so deym scared?

Trust me, I dunno.

Call me crazy if you might... coz I'll be glad to embrace whatever nasty thoughts you might have against me but I'm not gonna buldge...not a bit from my current opinion about pregnancy.. Pregnancy IS SCARY.

Oh I don't mind being a mother.. If someone might just give me a cute baby for free, why not.. I know that I'm good at taking care of small children. But not to carry them in my belly.. No! Especially not that.. At least not yet.

I'm not stupid though. At this moment, I'm doing all I can to make sure that I am fit and healthy so that if "it" does happen to me,my body is gonna be capable of handling the stress of it all.. But if it happen soon, I know in my mind that I Am SO NoT READY YET.