finding a silver lining is easy, absorbing what you found is not…

I’m in a dear diary mode again. It is 2 am and I can’t sleep. It is bizzare. Not 2 days ago I was craving for sleep, jealous at the sight of other people who were asleep while I was staying up analysing my data and preparing for my presentation. I thought I can sleep for 48 hours straight when everything is done but, as usual I was wrong. It is late and I still refuse sleeping.. not when I am enjoying the silence and the calmness of midnight.

It has been a long day. I should have been very mentally exhausted after what happen. But, hey, what actually happened today? Well, a friendly neighbour, Uncle Collin was commenting on how loud the 1987 Honda civic was every morning. Knowing a thing or two about cars, he volunteered to have a look. What began like just an act of respect in our part ended up with him discovering that there is a power steering oil leak. We sent the car to a familiar workshop and there we learnt that our car is dying. It needs $1000+ worth of repair. That is $3000 worth of Malaysian Ringgit. Not that we couldn’t afford it, but I bought the car for $1200,  I am not going to waste another $1200 for a mere “maintenance”. It’s not like we have any prospect with selling the car once we leave the country…So I might as well get a new “old” car instead.It was very unanticipated. So yeah, we bought an identical car that belonged to one of the foreman. Not entirely happy, but there is really nothing that I could do.

I always try to look for silver linings in every “undesirable” thing that happens in my life. So today I have just learnt that, the common saying that “ You can always choose your friends but it is your family that stays with you through thick and thins” is only 50% true. I have my reasons. It is amazing how you learnt about other peoples’ TRUE COLOUR when you are in crisis or when they are. Heart wrenching, I know. But such is the twist of fate and the fun and games that make life “challenging”. Sometimes I wonder do I really deserve to be treated this way? but in the end I just leave it to God to decide. May be “they” don’t deserve me.      

I also learnt that i should never trust what people tell me. like, “what a nice car you have.. it is really a bargain!”  but when the car broke down they’ll say..”hah, what did i tell ya? i have always knew that car was trouble.”

hey, stick to one opinion please.

Pardon my emotional entry today. I need sleep but i can’t, i had a long tiring day, I had just let go of a “favourite car” and spent a fortune for a new one, I had just learnt that sometimes family are just family and nothing more than that, I have just realized that people might say something when they mean something else, there is no more truth out there, I am experiencing the common “far, forgotten and unloved” feeling once again, I had just moved & spent loads of money moving to a new house when I really shouldn’t, but I have absolutely no control over because I couldn’t have moved when my family comes to visit me in June, it is unfair to them… but now I am left broke and broken, my heart is aching and I miss my sister so freaking much but the phone line & the internet is still not connected for another week..It is just too much to absorb in a day. Too much!!! No wonder there are tears starting to form at the edges of my eyes. Being cut off from the world is never a good feeling.

I want to cry so much, but i know there is a silver lining. There always is.

new home

InsyaAllah, the hectic a couple of weeks will end this Tuesday at 12 pm once i give my journal presentation to my lab meeting. after that, i can start making final analysis of my trial and start focusing on MY HOLIDAY..yes..MINE!..Aaaaah, you can’t imagine how tiring it is moving from one place to another, even if it is only a kilometer away. i can’t believe that i have soooo many stuffs.. when looking at all those things to pack, i did wish that i have my family members around.. i can not even begin to tell how tiring my last 2 weeks were and how glad I am that it is “almost” over..(shoot, suddenly i remember a pile of stuffs in the study that hasn’t been sorted out yet..i am so lazy, tolonglah…..)

i have found a new home. yes, i said home instead of house. home; because i feel so belonged to this little nook of a house. it is exactly like what i have been wishing for. Pete was asking “do you really need that many rooms?” and i said.. “well, i guess i do” because if not, i wouldn’t be this freaking happy, it is ridiculous. so again i must say that I am so grateful to Allah. don’t mind me bragging about my new home.. i am not..really. i am just too happy and i am drinking every moment that i spend here. it will be even more meaningful if i have family members around. so that’s why i am looking forward to have mom & the rest of my family this June! owh did i mention that my sis-in-law planned to come here as well? i am really keen to have her here, but it seems like she might not after all. it is so sad..huks huks huks..

owh and my internet is disconnected for a couple of weeks too. TELSTRA (the telecom company over here) works so slow, that it takes 2 weeks to reconnect my phone line and another 3 days to reconnect the internet..WEIRD.. i bet TELECOM sdn bhd can do way better than that. they even tried to persuade me to pay $299 to get a faster 3 day connection..heh, like that is going to happen..i’d rather suffer without internet for 2 weeks than waste seribu ringgit on just a lame connection fee..betul tak?.cekik darah, kan. such is the life in Australia.. semua nak kene bayar…

Last year, at about this time, i was busy with my masters thesis, but i particularly remember this day as the day that my sister (soul sister, kindred spirit) came to Perth to celebrate her birthday with me. i miss her so much.. i can even cry from missing a person like her that i love so dearly. what didn’t i sacrifice for the sake of education?.EVERYTHING!!! i sacrifice everything!!!..huk huk huk.. starting a family, my husband’s career, being separated from loved ones, missing out on my best friends and cousins’ weddings.. you name it, i sacrificed it all for this “thing” called PhD. so doakan saya kawan2, sedara mara semua..Pray that I graduate with Higher distinction and go back to Malaysia to be  a successful Medical scientist, wife, daugther, sister and insyaAllah, a mother… and use whatever knowledge i get from here untuk berbakti pada Agama, Nusa & Bangsa…=)..

hmm tiba-tiba teringat on the recent news on how PTPTN & JPA sponsored medical students dengan mudah made the choice to work in Singapore immediately after final medical examination..what is happening to this world?  sepatutnya orang memberi kita merasa, orang berbudi kita berbahasa, tapi sekarang, haish,.. hujan emas di negeri orang itu jugaklah yang dikejarnya.. takperlah.. pilihan masing2..tp sedih sangat mendengarnya. I WISH MY UM STUDENTS WILL NOT DO THE SAME. i was offered untuk buat housemanship kat Singapore jugak dulu, tp atas dasar kesedaran…Alhamdulillah..tak pergi.kesian negara Malaysia..sekarang, bukan melayu mudah lupa..”MALAYSIAN” mudah lupa…huhu..

forgive my incoherent rambling today.. skrg jam menunjukkan pukul 4:11 pagi.. i am still braving the night to finish one journal article before calling it a day but i am just too unmotivated to start..that’s why i blog (in windows live writer ni, dah sampai office nanti baru akan publish kat blog sebenar..sebab almaklumlah rumah takde internet lagi..haha)..and i may need to perform tahajjud before I start my reading again. looking forward to write again soon, InsyaAllah. =)

"Deep Play precedes Deep Work."

-Matt Weinstein

Aaaaahhhh….the pleasure of adding bits of fun to these thick chapters of my life. i like my friendship with this girl Suhaili. she helps me to loosen up a little bit. i knew her back then in September through believe it or not….facebook... she was coming to Perth to do her PhD in pharmacy. few months later, we met in person and became close friends. that’s what happen when  you meet good people. you become close to them instantly.

after having fun with my ratties this morning, i helped my husband with the laundry then went straight home to organize new telephone, internet, electricity and gas connection to the new house we are moving into on Monday. Suhaili sent me a message about a Malaysian food festival we have discussed about on Friday. “are you going?” she asked..I desperately need to go to that food festival. not for the fun of eating but just to go somewhere where there is no people bidding for houses, no rats needed to be weighted and looked after and just to have fun with a friend.

and i did just that. i had fun laughing as we reached there discovering that all of the food were sold out. i had fun taking pictures while at the same time get my pictures taken too and i enjoyed my self with the conversations.

so Suhaili brought us to a Malay restaurant instead,

INSAN’S CAFE nama diberi where  i actually had fun eating..=^.^=

caught in the act..ahakz.. =^.^=

 

so today was enjoyable i must say.. may be something i should have done at a more frequent intervals (smile). so we walked back to my car and I got excited to see the tram running up and down the road

until i forgot to cross the road.. because we were so involved with conversations..

but no gossiping there, ok..hehe.

and across the road, our car was waiting for us.

there is so much more to life than just work, study and the mounting responsibilities that come with them.. but often times we forget that..

"There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy."

Robert Louis Stevenson

Well said there Mr Stevenson.. =^.^=

"We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing, while others judge us by what we have already done"  - Henry W. Longfellow

In all these madness of looking for a home, frantically visiting one scene of home viewing to another, i have collectively lost a good 7 days of my PhD life to ...what do you know?..LIFE it self. i have always known that i am a good student. being a student is what i am best at. but..doosh..doosh..doosh..pang..pang pang..wake up love, you are not a good student if you don't have good results..good papers and awesome powerpoint presentation. WAKE UP!!

now, screaming; though physically aggressive is not ever going change the guilt i carry for fact that i have wasted 7 days of my life with house hunting. i feel ashamed. ashamed because i let myself being overpowered by my own weakness of being a homo sapien. why i can't organize my time good enough? why i still found time for leisure when i know i don't have any? why did i sneak away to watch tv or get carried away by facebook when all i should do is to sit at my desk and do some analysis or write some papers? because i know too well that when i judge myself with what i am capable of doing, my bosses are judging me by each result i produce. and i didn't produce any last week. WEAK!

hah.. you'd say that I am being over critical towards myself but if don't put that high expectation to this lump of brain on a stick called Intan Suhana Zulkafli then no one will. No expectation means no purpose and having no purpose in life is as good as having none (worth mentioning) at all. 

Found a gem.

goodness me.

this house hunting business is no easy work

it was emotionally draining at first

but Alhamdulillah my prayers were answered

i found this gem of a house

exactly what i need

it's English inspired 

has many rooms

a fire place

a gorgeous garden

and a study room all for me

=^.^=

and i am also happy that the entertainment area is separated from other rooms

so that no matter how loud the flat screen is, i can still concentrate with my study

wuoh, paid a good price for it too..

in real life ... this house looked ordinarily extraordinary..haha

inside apatahlagi...

but mostly, i love the hassle free garden...hehe

by the way, today is my supervisor's birthday

i only got to know about it today..

so i couldn't prepare anything fancy..

this is the card..

i know what you guys are thinking..

its a bit childish heh?

well, i am a child at heart..

plus, it's the thought that counts..

hiks hiks hiks..

mencari rumah

inilah naseb tinggal kat perth..sikijap2 kena pindah wo..

manyak penat la .. 

Astaghfirullah..tanak lah whining2 lagi camnie..hiks hiks..

anyway, rumah first ana gi view tadi  telah merentap jantung saya..

saya nak! saya nak! saya nak jugak!

cantik sgt rumah tu..

firstly, ana suker sbb kat garden dia ada roses!!

red, pink, yellow and white..so pretty!

then interior dia very English gitu..

ada fireplace yang sangat kiut..

it is also, Alhamdulillah... within my budget..

ana tak sabar nak masuk rumah baru. tp application tak hantar lagi

ehem..ehem..yelah saya tahu..nak isi lah borang application tu skrg..

ok, any update ana akan cerita lagi ok.

korang, doakan ana berjaya dapat rumah rose tue ok..

cayang u all!

Owh happy mother's day to semuaibu-ibu diseluruh dunia and especially to my EMAk!

 Here is this year's mother's day card.

 Tak sempat nak hantar through post. . .

 Hopefully everyone Kat gombak bagi hadiah Kat emak !

 Emm cedapnya kek yang abalep belikan tu Kan. 

i love u mak...

doakan kitorg kat sini!

Winter is upon us. The bone aching cold freezing wind has made its appearance a few too many times...so i have the heater blowing hot air to my face..owh heavenly...

my house is now the perfect definition of chaos. empty boxes lying around everywhere i see; waiting patiently for us to pack stuffs into them. books, magazines and plates are all tucked away at a corner neatly bound by ropes or covered by unused newspapers ready to be carried to a new house. but clothes are still on their hangers in the wardrobe, some are still neatly folded in the drawers.. pots and pans, and the high piles of documents that all belongs to me are still neatly untouched in the outside cupboard.. thinking about them alone makes my heart races a few hundreds paces faster. urgh..although HATE is such a strong word, i am going to use it here.. I HATE MOVING!!! I HATE PACKING!!! ALLAH help me!!!

yes indeed, the notice to move house has totally changed the environment in my house..the same thing it does to my mental attitude, my overall emotion and motivation..needless to say, my motivation is without a doubt plunging to its lowest point at this moment. i feel like there is just too many things to be done at the same time... that it is even harder to decide where to begin.

but a good student, lets no personal problem affect them.. so should i force my self to be calm and collected, when my mind constantly wonders about the havoc happening in my house? and the long lines of home viewing waiting for me next 2 weeks? but regardless, i still need to get this moving "thingy" settled before i could really move on to any other aspect of my life.  

you know what makes it on my wish list today?

2 THINGS:

A big, impressive new house ( so that i won't miss this cozy crib that i am leaving)

and a Truck of professional movers who will do the packing, the carrying and the entire moving " thingy" for me while i sip my mocchachino from the verandah of my temporary 5 stars hotel. and just to put a cherry on top of that cake, hopefully there is also an interior designer helping to rearrange everything so that when i walk into the house, voila..i can start living immediately..

NICE DREAM INTAN...

student, buat cara student..

[i laughed at myself, coughed a little bit (because i am coming down with a flu) and snap it up back into reality]

truthfully, daydreaming makes me more efficient..

it's a therapy to my personal problem...i am just too anxious and impatient.

Almost a frustrating 2nd week of May

when I started this blog, It was never meant to be regularly updated, nor was it meant to be totally all about the happy times I experience as a thriving PhD student in a fancy oversea University called the UWA.

 when I started this blog,

I was just looking for a place to share my life with...

 although I have tried my very best to be positive,

 And happy,

 And optimistic. . .90% of the time,

 There is bound to be a day when tragedy (be it big or miniscule..) to take over me.

 And today is the day when all the petty things of being a faultful human & a neurotic student triumphantly take over all the "infamous optimism of Dr. Intan Suhana Zulkafli."

 Sadly, it is not something to be joyous about.

 Enough with the small talks, what is the big deal here?

 What actually kill my buzz this week?

My research went well so far...  all of the babies and adult RATTIEs behave excellently, no complaint about that.

 Not only that, one fine Wednesday morning, I also received my long awaited TRAVEL AWARD from the society of Reproductive biology amounting $ 260.00... That's a lot of money for a student like me... And don't get me wrong, I am eternally thankful to ALLAH for the unexpected gift.

But my buzz was killed anyway later that day by the fact that we have to move house again because our house lease is expiring in mid-June.

For months I have been writing about how I am looking forward to June because my families are coming and finally I am getting my well deserved break from study & Reality. Having to move house is really like "A big truck blocking the road in the middle of my dream holiday fantasy"

 In layman word ~ ~ A nuisance

 A buzz killer

 but not a killer whale CWahahaha). its not that bad...

 So the center piece of this week's story is about me finding a new crib.

 3 days have passed since I knew that my application to renew my lease had been rejected by the biggest Elephant on the planet (That is the real estate company's name).

 After everything that I've been through with them, renewing the lease does seems like a stupid idea and I thank Allah for making me "have to" move to a new house...

 So far, I have made 11 home viewing requests, budgeting at around AUD 250 to AUD 360 per week for a decent 2 bedrooms house or apartment.

 Please, anyone who also reads this, pray with me that I can get a new crib A.S.A.P.

 And then only I can enjoy my holiday when mak, ayah, aiman, Omar, Rina, Aween & Nani; come to visit.

The May that fills with anticipation

May has arrived

Though I was not very optimistic a coupla months ago about where my project will be,

The progress turned out occay.

I must say, I have been enjoying my PhD life... to the fullest

Lab meetings had been E n J o y A b L e...LOL

what's not to enjoy?

hahaha

when the food is great, the meeting is great...regardless..LOL

clearly focusing at the cup cakies makes me H a P p y!!!

and in the PhD office, we postgraduates, just couldn't get crazee enough..

here, Jess is trying my headscarf.

and Hanna just couldn't wait to grab the scarf all to herself? 

hahaha, graduate study..what a good excuse to be silly..=)

{picture removed due to supervisor's request} hikhikhik

and this is the guy i work with..LOL

he is curious,

he is persistence..

i wonder why he never applied for a PhD?

hiks hiks hiks..or wrongly applied to be the speciment is more like it..LOL

but i don't just work with the big boys..

[picture removed due to supervisor's request]

here is the baby..

[sentence removed due to superviso'r request]

cute isn't she?

she is pretending to be asleep...

i wonder why..hahaha 

[picture removed due to supervisors request]

and i don't just have one of her..

i have [word removed due to supervisor's request] !!!!!

[sentence removed due to supervisor's request]

[3 words removed due to supervisor's request] tee hee hee.... greater good

scientific and medical purposes..

MAY GOD BLESS..

and crazy life calls for crazy ideas..

believe it or not, as in T O D A Y,

this is my iphone's W A L L P A P E R!

awesome reminder heh?

all of these will be finished by end of MAY 

reason being?

i am working hard coz i am looking forward for 

a long 2 weeks, JUNE holiday..

=^.^=