Undeniably Alone

Let’s play the world famous guessing game… i tell you the symptoms and you tell me the syndrome.

the symptom began with neuroticism… constantly worries that she couldn’t live up to the expectation, then she woes at things that is going to happen in the future, worrying that they wouldn’t turn out perfect. there is a constant glitch in her stomach as if there is an impending doom, couldn’t sleep even when she is desperate for it because she believes that if she doesn’t stay up late working, other people or worse she herself, will think that she is lazy and is a failure in the making. craves, like really craves for perfect understanding of everything (i mean everything e.g., how the theory of relativity is possible or why leptin paradox happens.) the unquenchable desire to be a know it all (and i mean all e.g., play the piano, perform synchronize swimming, copy Michealangelo or Picasso, write an all time best seller and perform a ballet masterpiece).

provisional diagnosis : a general anxiety trait perfectionist who also has parents issue.

analysis:

1) constantly worries on “nothings”.. things that may or may not happen in the future, symptom of GAD

2) it impairs her life (sleep) to a certain extent

3) the desire to please; a symptom of someone with parents issue

4) strives for absolute self advancement, a symptom of someone with perfectionism trait

Ultimate Diagnosis: Intan Suhana Zulkafli. (boo hoo!)

Gosh, i manage to write this down! i should feel good to have it out of my chest but it still doesn’t because by finishing this entry, i know that i have wasted 30 minutes of my time on non-thesis related writings. the guilt is building inside of me, and pretty soon it will be too much to bear and i will have to pen off STAT.

How am I ever going to manage this neuroticism? Is this an indicator that I need a good break? well may be i do. I’ve had the worst couple of weeks. people tried to ask me and I tried to explain as openly as possible, but I somehow didn’t breakdown. I still braced my self. I felt tears budding out but i didn’t cry. it didn’t feel right to cry.. or may be i was just too scared to show it because it might be seen as a sign of weakness?

last Wednesday was the worst day ever. i was literally looking for a dark corner in the Waddell’s lab to hide from humanity. i wished that i could shrink to 3 inches tall and hide inside one of the boxes and cry my heart out. i went into the toilet and stayed there for 15 minutes trying to force my tears out. it was hurting in my chest like it was going to explode but i didn’t cry nonetheless.. what happened to me? What is still happening to me? I hope I am not crumbling into a clinical “suppressed”, outside-look-happy but inside-is-a-mess kind of depression. Oh Allah, please grant me strength, Ameen.   

but really, i think what i need right now is a hug and a person that i could feel comfortable to share my problem with. and right now, i am undeniably ALONE.