:: PhD Life ::

The title is seriously funny. What PhD student has a life that can be considered as "A life"  at all?
I'm not being cynical... NO I'M NOT!  I am only being realistic.

We are poor, and sometimes only survive on instant noodle

I have encountered a situation when I literally live on weekly basis. Scraping on whatever I have in the almost-empty-fridge to survive. Thinking twice, sometimes thrice on whether I should buy that loaf of bread. Whatever extra money is kept to pay the rent and household bills. The house rent alone costs me AUD 1140 a month.

We  are constantly busy doing something that is against our will

Doing research is not exactly very enjoyable. I would certainly choose a different adjective for research. Such proper adjectives will be IMPOSSIBLE or CRAZY or SOUL DRAINING…especially soul draining..

Our bosses get cheap, if not free labour from our goodwill

Since we are lawfully sponsored by the government, and our supervisors, which is the only boss that have the ability to steer the working environment into either pleasant or horrible, is also the only person in the world  that the government listens to in order to ensure a continual sponsorship, like it or not a PhD student will have to obey on whatever extra work needed to be done to receive good comments on his or her working attitude. It will be lucky if you get paid whatever value it will be. But most often than not, it will be a free service.

We are suffering from a continuous repressed anger over ourselves, or our boss, or that other student that stole our findings.. These things stayed repressed and can eventually cause a mental breakdown

~ 5% of graduate student actually flung the whole thing because of some form of mental breakdown..usually depression, but I'm not surprised if some might even have bipolar, or schizo for that matter..ngehehehehe.. It never happen to me though..=^.^=

We missed out on the "real social functions"..

the ones I go to always have a certain peculiarity on their names, like "ANNUAL GALA FOR MEDICAL RESEARCHERS" or "ANNUAL DINNER FOR THE SOCIETY OF REPRODUCTIVE BIOLOGY" and something like that. The core of the events always involve someone giving a speech on either research or academia.. People were excited at the number of papers published instead of in what I imagine in a "real social functions" where people congratulating each other on their marriage or their new babies..Our friends from previous universities or schools have gatherings and weddings and outings and purposefully forget to invite us.

Lame, I know.

That is why I just couldn't explain this excitement that I feel vibrating inside every single cell in my body when I walk those steps towards my PhD student's office?

Why the hell that I'm almost bouncing off my feet when I walked to the stereology room in full anticipation as if something unexpected and exciting is going to happen?

Why oh why did I feel pressured in reading all these journals day in and day out like they are an addictive vampire fiction that is impossible to put down?

Well friends, though I hate to admit it... I think I've found the answer. I have become the scary person I never thought I could ever be. I have embraced research like it is part of me, like it is part of what makes me, ME..  I LOVE RESEARCH.

The only thing that I have to do now is to stop my brain from imagining me looking like Einstein. No offense, Prof Einstein..I just think that your hair is so out of style. hahahahaha..

So what if I wanna love research?
It wouldn't have hurt if I become a hot scientist doctor would it?

Pregnancy scare

I have always imagined myself as a student. Sitting at a desk either doing some written work or reading some articles.. Exactly something like what I'm doing right now. It is as much as seeing myself as a wife. Always belong to someone else. I'm never a free woman but I like it that way.

With marriage comes responsibility or so they said.. I'm not afraid of responsibilities, as a student or as a wife or as the person that I ought to be ( in my case, a Muslim lady in this foreign land) but boy I'm chickened out to be a mommy.

YES. I'm scared of being a mom, and just about anything to do with creating a kid. And it is painful as that is the natural outcome people around me are expecting from a marriage.

It made no sense. I'm not a teenager having a pregnancy scare after a drunken night out with her boyfriend.. Anything I do that might lead to pregnancy will be completely legitimate.. But I don't wanna be pregnant yet. Not now. Not when I was doing my housemanship, not when I was doing my masters and not now while I'm doing my phd. So when is the best time? I honestly don't know.

My dear father had been pestering me about getting him a grandchild since the day I was officially belonged to my husband... And I had been avoiding the subject with all of my medical and science and general knowledge combined. He now had given up the hope of trying to ever change my mind about having a child. And that really ease the tense.. At least a little bit.

What am I so scared of?
I seriously don't know for sure. The few things that I do know are:

A) I'm scared of the
pregnancy itself.
i) The fact that people lose their lives for the birth of another.
ii) the arrays of medical conditions associated with being pregnant.. And being a doctor actually made the fear even worse.
iii) I have an aunty who suffered from eclampsia after giving birth to her youngest daughter. Now, despite complete recovery she has to make do with an eyesight of a blind woman. No spectacle can correct her vision. And though most people would say that it will be the best sacrifice, as she now has in her arm the most adorable little girl, my lack of maternal instinct just couldn't comprehend how such sacrifice is justifiable to her.. She will never ever be able to see the perfect features of the new baby for as long as she shall lives.

Even so, I know these are not solid reasons to avoid being a mother. if God says that you are gonna be blind, you will be.. You don't have to be pregnant for that. So why the heck that I'm still so deym scared?

Trust me, I dunno.

Call me crazy if you might... coz I'll be glad to embrace whatever nasty thoughts you might have against me but I'm not gonna buldge...not a bit from my current opinion about pregnancy.. Pregnancy IS SCARY.

Oh I don't mind being a mother.. If someone might just give me a cute baby for free, why not.. I know that I'm good at taking care of small children. But not to carry them in my belly.. No! Especially not that.. At least not yet.

I'm not stupid though. At this moment, I'm doing all I can to make sure that I am fit and healthy so that if "it" does happen to me,my body is gonna be capable of handling the stress of it all.. But if it happen soon, I know in my mind that I Am SO NoT READY YET.

Rumah ku, syurga ku

Time rajin membelogz ni, apakata post sekali environment rumah seorg PhD student di Australia.. Ngehehe..


Artwork gue.. Jd hiasan kat Almari tv ikea. Ngeeee =^.^=


Balkoni ku cam Taman.. Suker!!



Letak blinds kat balkoni tu supaya ana boleh melepak kat situ Tanpa perlu bertudung.. Org xnmpak Dari luar.. Bijak kan my hubby...


Ruang tamu.. Sofa bed ikea..=^.^=

Erm, tak sempat amik pic for kitchen n bedroom.. Tak yah la kot kan sbb nmpk cam nak promote rumah sendiri plak.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

::Alwiz In My ::heart::

alwiz know that you are my number ones
=^.^=

love,

Dr Intan Suhana Zulkafli, M.D. MSc
PhD candidate
School of Anatomy & Human Biology
University of Western Australia

can muslim befriends the non-muslim?

Wujudkah hubungan silaturrahim antara orang bukan islam dan orang islam?

Sebagai muslim dan sebagai pengamal agama islam..(bukan islam pada nama ajer, ok..) Ana percaya bahawa kita sebagai orang islam harus sentiasa mendahului dalam hal menunjukkan contoh yang terbaik pada orang lain disekeliling kita. Ana bukan ustazah, malah hanya mendapat pendidikan islam dari sekolah biasa, pembacaan dan pendidikan dari rumah sahaja. So maby pendapat ana tak boleh dijadikan rujukan..But at the same time, ana juga seorang wanita islam yang berpendidikan tinggi, dan mempunyai ramai sahabat karib berbilang bangsa dan agama. Bersentuh bahu dengan kawan bukan islam bukanlah asing bagi ana.

Mendapat pendidikan menengah di sek men Hillcrest, Seri Gombak..my school basically adalah sekolah biasa2 ajer.. Bilangan student lelaki dan perempuan sama banyak, bilangan student melayu dan bukan melayu juga sama banyak. Gombak adalah sebuah daerah yang sangat majmuk. Percampuran antara kaum pasti wujud dan I must say ia wujud dengan sangat mutual sekali. Tader gadoh2, isu2 sensitif sentiasa dielakkan demi menjaga hati setiap kaum.

Kawan2 ana kebanyakannya pengawas sekolah sbb ana pon pengawas jugak.antara kawan bukan islam yang rapat dgn ana ialah Geradline, Jaclyn, Stella dan Puvan..Teoh pun rapat jugak..mereka beragama Kristian, Hindu dan Budha. Ana rapat dgn mereka sbb kami sama mewakili sekolah utk pertandingan bahas bahasa inggeris. Itulah first time ana masuk bahas BI, ana join pun sbb ana nak improvekan penguasaan BI..takut sangat masa volunteer nak join tu..tapi pengalaman yg ditimba lepas berbahas dikhalayak ramai, especially bila menang adalah something yang tak mungkin dapat ana lupakan, InsyaAllah…

So spjg sekolah ana sentiasa lihat disekeliling ana kawan2 yg pelbagai bangsa dan agama, sama2 tolong menolong, bergurau senda bersama, makan lunch sesama, gi rumah masing2, study group..etc. time solat, org islam akan mintak excuse tuk gi masjid or musolla.. In fact yg kristian tu pulak yang sibuk.."eh, sudah pukul 4, Intan kene persi sembahyang…" so kami pun rehatlah dari bincang2 pasal debate..baguskan ada solat nie..otak boleh berehat bila penat bekerja..takderlah kita paksa2 otak bekerja sampai tepu..

Bila masuk uni, itulah kali pertama ana nampak perbezaan yang ketara. Of coz bila jejak kaki masuk universiti semua orang pun berdebar2. tak tahu apakah kejutan hidup sbg seorang mahasiawa/ siswi..apatahlagi bagi budak2 yang amik course medik nie..semua orang macam ada prejudis terhadap orang lain..masing2 cuba mengukur sapa agaknya yang lebih pandai, saper yang nampak stylo cam anak orang kaya, saper budak key ell..mesti dianggap berlagak..aduss..datang uni nak belajar lah wei..

Anyway lepas 5 tahun jadik pelajar perubatan, ana nampak betapa prejudisnya satu kaum dgn kaum yang lain, to the extend yang ana rasa TAK LOGIK…Ana selalu berada ditengah2, tersepit antara kawan bukan islam dan sahabat yg beragama Islam. Kebetulan ana mempunyai buddy senior yang sangat pandai dan baik hati, dia selalu bagi nota2 dia pada ana..then nota2 nie ana share dgn kawan2 ana yang ana rapat. Ana perasan org lain yg ana tak rapat pun ada jugak nota2 yang sama, most probably dapat dari senior masing2..tak pernah dorg offer pun any nota kat ana, so ana pun diam jerlah..then Preetiba and siew wah yang sangat rapat dgn ana ternampak nota tu dalam beg ana..(kitorg mmg sgt rapat, bukak beg masing2 tu is not an offendlah.) mestilah mereka tanya "eh, intan nota tu awak dapat dari mana? Boleh kami tengok?", ana jawablah.."tengoklah..=)" preetiba dan siew wah pun cakaplah boleh tak dia nak fotostate buku nota tu, ana pun bagilah. In fact ana yang volunteer nak fotostatekan sbb ana duk rumah jer, kedai fotostate depan rumah, dorg duk hostel, nak gi kedai fotostate jauuuh.

2 minggu lepas tu ana dapat call dari sorg classmate yang ana langsung tak kamcheng..dia MARAH2 ana sbb ana EXPOSEkan buku nota tu kat kaum lain.. APEKAH? Punyalah dia upset, seolah2 ana melanggar hak asasi manusia ke aper..ana sgt terkejut.. Dan of cozlah, upset jugak.."aku buat salahke memanjangkan ILMU medik hak Allah nie kepada org bukan islam?" ana cakap kat dia yang well, ana tatau buku tu rahsia..setau ana, masa abang bazli bagi buku tu kat ana, dia tak cakap sepatah pun pasal RAHSIE..kalau iyelah buku tu rahsie, pastilah ana pon tanak..tak kuasa nak bersekongkol dgn org yang kedekut ilmu Allah nie…lepas berjaya mengeluarkan nafsu amarah dia pada ana..dia pun meng'call end'kan perbualan kitorang. Sejujurnya, ana rasa cam nak lempang je budak tu..stiap hari bermula hari tu bila ana nampak dia ana rasa nak bagi flying kick (cam flying kiss tu, tapi kat montot..ahahks ..XD)..tapi Ana adalah seorang yang penyabar (hahaha, tapi sabar saya ada hadnya, bila meletups, gunung krakatoa pon respek, hohoho..tak caya tanyalah skoolmate.., ngeeee...)

Tp bermula dari saat tu barulah Allah bagi ana nampak dengan senampak-nampaknya betapa KEDEKUT ILMU nya segelintir org islam melayu nie..tak tahulah nak cakap apa..sbg org islam melayu yang berhubung rapat dgn org beragama lain, Ana rasa sangat malu..If org yg kedekut ilmu tu dapat top of the class tu lainlah..ini tidak, yang top of the class org bangsa lain jugak…or at least, orang melayu yang tak kedekut ilmu cam saya..heeeeeeeeee, (oops, terperasan japs..XD)

Ana cherita kat preetiba, vindhu, kiran, siew wah, ck, narinder, dan too tentang hal nie..ana kata sorilah buku tu rahsia rupanya, kalau korang nak pakai, baca kat umah jer lah, tayah bawak gi kelas, kalo dorg nampak, pasti dorg akan call marah2 saya lagi..huhuhu.[.cam nak nanges jer.].so meke pun ikutlah cakap ana..ini berlaku masa ana tahun 4, posting..O&G..ngahahahahaha..sorilah sesaper yang terkene tu yer..nama awak saya tak sebut pun kat sini, takper kan..ni true story tau.

Ana bukan rapat ngan preeti n yang lain tu masa 4th year jer..ana memang rapat ngan dorg sejak 1st year lagi....mgkn org igt ana nie sorg yang MODEN, mesti org macam ana ni dressing gaya barat, pilih kawan..nak kawan ngan orang pandai jer, org non jer..org melayu ana tak kawan.saya buka seorang yang sosial.mintak mahap sket..ana sentiasa pakai baju kurung masa kat uni tau.tudung xpenah tinggal.yang MODEN hanyalah akal fikiran saya, bukan gaya hidup saya..akal fikiran moden saya mengatakan yang tak guna orang islam cuba menyembunyikan kebaikan/ilmu hak Allah dari org bukan islam..perbuatan tu hanya menyebabkan meke salah anggap terhadap keindahan dan kemuliaan agama kita nie..bila kita buat camtu, dorg tak fikir yang org melayu jahat, tapi dorang fikir org ISLAM jahat..dapat pahala ke bila kita buat camtu? Dapat keredhaan Allah ke? Tepuk dada tanya amalan..okey...

Allah turunkan agama Islam kat dunia nie tuk bawa keamanan dan kemakmuran..tak elok sangat bila orang islam tu instead of jadik contoh kpd org lain, dia jadi racun pulak dalam masyarakat..HASAD DENGKI pula dgn org lain..bila dia tahu dia tak berapa pandai, dia sembunyikan pula nota dari org yang nampak cam lebih pandai daripada dia supaya, kalau dia tak dapat A, orang lain pun tak bleyh dapat A..

APEKAH INI?

Malah ada sorg senior pompuan yang setahun tua sket dari ana..dia sangat baik, seorang pompuan melayu yang simple aja.. Lepas tahun 2 semua org perasan yg dia berchenta dgn sorg senior lelaki cina…dia mendapat kutukan yg hebat dari segelintir student dan pensyarah melayu. Di pulaukan dari join2 kelas2 tambahan sebelum exam, sebab kalau ajak dia, dia mesti akan ajak boyfren cina dia tu, so tak jadi rahsia lagilah kelas tu..

DUNIA, apekah ini? Biarlah dorang kapel..bukan bergesel2 badan, berpegang2 tangan pon, setakat study sesama..budak cina tuh siap praktis poser lagi..pas jadi dokter, meke kawen, brother tu pun masok islam..skrg kopiah tak pernah lekang dari kepala dia. Dah buat master radiology pun dia..BANGGANYA ana dengan dorang..=)...ini yang kita hendak..ramaikan lagi dokter pakar yang ISLAM..tak kesahlah bangsa apa, asalkan islam…perbuatan segelintir melayu islam yang mengejek dan mengutuk dulu tu langsung tak membantu, kan…

Oleh itu, ana nak menyeru (cewwah..ayat..XD) kepada sesape yang terlintas kat page nie, sesaper yg Allah tergerakkan hati dia tu meluangkan masa baca entry ni ingatlah, siapa kita..Kita orang ISLAM..apakah peranan kita di bumi Allah ini?, menjadi Khalifah..manusia adalah khalifah..tetapi manusia beragama islam adalah khalifah dikalangan manusia lain..adakah layak kita bergelar khalifah kalau kita tak menunjukkan perangai yang elok? Dengan perangai yang hancusss nie, mampukah kita berdiri dihadapan Allah diakhirat nanti menjawab kenapa kita bersifat tidak adil sesama manusia?..JAWAB..jangan tak jawab..masa tue menggigil seluruh badan, mulut berkunci, kaki, tangan, otak, hati, hempedu, mata, telinga, montot semua akan tolong jawabkan.."Ya, Allah, kami iri hati dan dengki dengan kelebihan yang Kau berikan pada mereka, sebab tulah kami buat apa yang kami buat masa di dunia dulu..".. Alamatlah kalo jawab camtu, tak lepaslah titian as-sirat…

MARILAH KITA BERINGAT.

Wallahualam

wassalam

I just haven't met you yet

I'm Not Surprised
Not Everything Lasts
Have Broken My Heart So Many Times,
I Stopped Keepin Track.
Talk Myself In
I Talk Myself Out
I Get All Worked Up
Then I Let Myself Down.

I Tried So Very Hard Not To Lose It
I Came Up With A Million Excuses
I Thought I Thought Of Every Possibility

And I kNow Someday That It'll All Turn Out
You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid That I'll Give So Much More Than I Get
I Just Haven't Met You Yet

Mmmmm ....

I Might Have To Wait
I'll Never Give Up
I Guess It's Half Time
And The Other Half's Luck
Wherever You Are
Whenever It's Right
You Come Out Of Nowhere And Into My Life

And I Know That We Can Be So Amazing
And Baby Your Love Is Gonna Change Me
And Now I Can See Every Possibility

Hmmmmm ......

And Somehow I Know That Will All Turn Out
And You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid I'll Give So Much More Than I Get
I Just Haven't Met You Yet

They Say All's Fair
And In Love And War
But I Won't Need To Fight It
We'll Get It By It ??
To Be United

And I Know That We Can Be So Amazing
And Being In Your Life Is Gonna Change Me
And Now I Can See Every Single Possibility

Hmmm .....

And Someday I Know It'll All Turn Out
And I'll Work To Work It Out
Promise You Kid I'll Give More Than I Get
Than I Get Than I Get han I Get

Oh You Know It Will All Turn Out
And You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid To Give So Much More Than I Get
Yeah I Just Haven't Met You Yet

I Just Haven't Met You Yet
Oh Promise You Kid
To Give So Much More Than I Get

I Said Love Love Love Love Love Love Love .....
I Just Haven't Met You Yet
Love Love Love .....
I Just Haven't Met You Yet

Kucing comel...feeling accomplished =^.^=

Hari ni hari Selasa. Bagi org lain hari selasa tak ada bezanya dengan hari rabu, khamis, hari mengundi, mahupun hari pekerja..Tp bagi ana hari selasa adalah hari yg sangat penting sbb inilah harinya semua orang dalam team Waddell akan bermeeting sepenoh hati.

Ana penah skolah menengah, malah jadik ketua pengawas perempuan lagi masa skola..mmg mencabarlah sbb kita kene jaga semua org dalam skola, organize sumer kegiatan sekolah..penat sgt..org sekolah dari kul 7.30 sampai 1.30 ana sampai 5 ptg baru balek rumah… sekolah dah jadik rumah kedua..meskipun camtu,, ana tak penah rasa kehidupan sbg student yg lebih mencabar dari jadik student PhD di negara orang nie. Walaupun masa kat uni amik course medik yang org kata sangat mencabar, ana tetap rasa PhD nie 7 juta kali ganda lebih mencabar dari itu.. In fact kpd adik2 sedara yang mmg nekad nak amik medik, ana selalu je nasehat kat dorg, medik tak susah, anis, ain..medik senang jer, Cuma baaanyak sgt yg kita kene hafal..kene rajin baca buku n pergi wad clerk patients..mmg susah nak tgk ana merungut yang belajar nie susah..sampailah ana masuk UWA buat master then sambung PhD.

kenapa susah buat PhD?

PhD ni bukan belaja dari buku cam dulu. Dulu tatau pengamiran bukak buku add math..nak penjelasan yg lebih detail lagi, bukak buku rujukan pulak..tatau lagi, tanya abang kakak mak ayah sumer, dorg sure tau punyerlah. Apa pun masalah, ada jer jalan penyelesaiannyer..terpulang rajin ke tidak kita nak cari jalan penyelesaian tersebut..

Sama jerlah cam masa kat matrix…kalau buku rujukan matrix tak cukup, carilah buku rujukan university pulak..insyaAllah, cari2 lama2 dapat jawapan punyerlah..

Medik laaagi senang. Berapa juta buku medik ada dalam dunia nie… buku original ada, buku fotostate ada..buku e book pon ada..nak baca atau tidak ajer. Bila rajin baca, pandailah, tak rajin baca tak pandai sgtlah..

Beza ngan PhD ialah, apa yangkita nak buat nie benda baru..research tak di namakan research kalau orang lain dah jumpa dulu kan..jadi kita kene cari seberapa banyak maklumat yang boleh..tuk dapatkan jawapan yang samar2 terhadap research yang kita nak buat nie..kalau tatau, jangan harap nak jumpa jawapan dia dalam buku sbb takder..jangan harap nak tanya cekgu sbb dia pun tatau.."awak tanya saya buat apa? Nak tahu kita kenelah buat experimentnya dulu"…itulah jawapan yang ada.

Jadi once melangkah kaki jadi master atau PhD student nie..kita basically kene berdikari. Cara tuk dapat maklumat ialah dgn baca research orang lain..berapa ramaikah saintis dalam dunia nie..semua research mereka kita kene baca demi nak dapat kepastian yg research yg kita nak buat nie dorg belum buat lagi…

Dari bulan julai sampai skrg, dah beratus2 research org lain ana skodeng..baru hari nie ..di pagi Selasa nan indah nie, ana presentkan pada supervisor omputeh ana tue, apa yang ana akan buat tuk research ana spjg 3 tawun ana menjadik student dia..

4 bulan duk membaca medical, biological, chemistry, genetic, metabolic, endocrinology and obesity punyer journal utk dapat conclusion apa yang ana kene buat bg tempoh 3 tahun akan datang..Mata saya sampai dah nak terkeluar dari soketnyer tau.. Tp semua berbaloi sbb pas abes presentation tu, tader sorg pon tertido..and sumer org tepuk tangan cakap "very good, Intan..nice Work..you have been busy"..dalam hati ana cakap.."you have no idea, sir…" tp kat luar hati cakaplah..toce..toce..tima kaseh..sengeh jer lah..takkan nak bangga diri pulak..nie semuaAllah yg bagi..bangga sgt nanti Allah tarik balik karang…jadi bangga sket jer lah..hohohoho..=^.^=

gambar di atas menunjukkan ke'happy'an tahap euphoria seorang PhD student apabila presentationnyer berjaya..agagagagagaga...XD