lowest point

March 2012. 

Everything has been progressing well as far as my research is concerned. But I am having the hardest time coping with one thing. The fact that everyone else in my family are going for umrah this month. Don't get me wrong. I am the happiest person in the world when I know that my mom, step dad, brother, sister, uncle, aunty, their 5 children, my dad, stepmom, nana and anifah are going. That means they are being invited to Baitullah. But I am especially sad because Allah has not given me any invitation what so ever yet. And I am 30 this year. 30 years of no invitation. How does that sounds to you? 

There is no doubt that i have been busy. 

If I was not studying medicine, I was working as a doctor. If I was not working, I was studying for my master and now PhD. But all these business are worldly. Nothing fantastically Islamic about them. If i was busy studying Al- Quran sunnah, or treating sick children in somalia or Palestine, I wouldn't feel as guilty. If I have been not sleeping because I was trying to memorize the Quran, or I was burning the midnight oil performing solahs, I wouldn't feel this guilty and depress. The fact that all that I am doing now is W O R L D L Y, for my personal gain...made me feel sick with myself. May be this is why Allah invites everyone else but me. Because I have been disgustingly greedy, sacrificing all I have, my health even... To gain worldly success. And despite all that, I am still far from being successful either. 

So How could these do not make me want to cry? 

Constantly I ask myself, what am I doing here when I really want to be somewhere else, doing something meaningful for Islam, for Allah instead?

All that I could do is try. To try to make "this".... Whatever this thing is that I am doing, to be beneficial for Islam. Otherwise, I don't think my life would have any meaning. How am I going to answer in front of Allah, in front of everyone that have ever lived on the day of judgement... to tell HIM, Allah the almighty, that I have done nothing for Islam? That all the years that were given to me to live had been wasted? How? 

Please tell me how because think I am going to crumble...now.

T_T